Chapter 5.6 : On the Road Again (Con't)

After another hour of driving on the thruway it’s time to exit.  It’s all dark country roads from here on. “It would have been nicely lit country roads if we hadn’t left so late, right Bonnie?”  “You  %&$#*@!&*(&^$#^*))(^%@#@^&*&*^%^%^$*%(*^*>,” Bonnie replied.

It's one thing to drive winding, hilly, country roads during the day but at night it’s a whole different story.  You have all sorts of animals running across the road, some small some big.  The small ones you don’t have to worry about, rabbits, squirrels, and raccoons.  You hit them with your car and they bounce right off; usually with a couple of cartwheels and then a thud.  Then the car behind you finishes them off, splat.  No big problem, food for the black birds.  It’s Nature’s way of recycling. 

The skunk is about the only small animal that could give you problems.  You run over a skunk and squish his big bad gland and all sorts of nasty stuff sprays all over the place.  Can you imagine being in a convertible and driving behind someone who just ran over a skunk?  That skunk and stench has to go somewhere.  You better hope he doesn’t land on your lap.

Deer are the one animal you do have to worry about.  Hitting a deer going 50 MPH is a trip to the hospital…not for the deer, for you.  It all depends on what type of car you're driving, the bigger the better.  Size does matter.  A car with a flat front also helps.  You hit the deer and just push him out of the way.  You might have an accordion for the front end of your car but you’re still alive.  You don’t want to hit a deer with a sports car, or a car with a low front end.  That deer could end up going right thru the windshield of your car.  It’s not easy driving a car with a deer kicking you in the face.

You would think after all the years of evolution, a deer would learn how to cross the road without getting hit.  Don’t they notice their dead kin on the side of the road?  There has to be some area in their pea size brain that says, danger, danger, big metal object approaching; do not cross hard black soil.  They know enough to read the deer crossing signs, so they must be somewhat intelligent.  Maybe we should send the deer to Road Crossing School.  They can watch movies of their relatives getting hit by cars.  If we can just train one deer to cross the street, he could go back to the herd and teach all the others.  Remember when Picard sent one humanized Borg back to the ship; no more Borg assimilation.  We wouldn’t need the bait and shoot method if they could learn to cross the street.  We could all live in harmony. 

Hold on one minute!  There’s a good song on the radio, ♫♫ Born to be W i l d ♫♫.  Every time this song comes on the radio, I crank up the volume and step on the gas.

Aside from the animals running across the road, it’s still dangerous traveling at night on country roads. They’re usually very hilly and pitch black at night.  It’s like riding a roller coaster.  You start at the top of the hill, you start going downward, picking up speed, but it’s not enough.  You have to accelerate to make it easier to get up the next hill. You step on the gas going faster and faster. You can feel the pleasure of negative G-Forces as you hit the bottom of the hill.  You press on the gas even more to make steep the hill.  As you reach the top of the hill you feel the ecstasy of weightlessness. You have to make a quick right turn then down another steep stretch.  Cars are whizzing by you in the opposite direction, blinding you with their bright lights, you can barely make out the road. A quick left, a quick right, down another hill and finally coasting slowly to a stop sign.  You take a deep breath as you stop, you can feel your heart beating out of your chest; your ears are hearing John Denver’s’ Take Me Home Country Roads.  Country roads, ♫♪ take me home, ♫♫♫ to a place, ♪♫♪ I belong, West Virginia, ♫♫♫ mountain Mama ---- What!!!!!!!  Who turned the station? 

 Make sure your car is in tip top shape before traveling on those country roads.  Country roads are the worst place for your car to break down.  Never under any circumstances should you get out of your car!  Did you ever see the movies, “Deliverance,” “Texas Chain Saw Massacre,” “The Hills Have Eyes,” “Deliverance,” “Deliverance,” and “Deliverance?”  To this day, I still can’t look at Porky Pig the same way.  You can forget about cops helping you, there aren’t any.  Rural areas do not have their own police department.  They have to rely on the state’s Sheriff’s department for protection; protection that is either under staffed or spread too thin.  By the time they come to your rescue, you’re either hanging from a meat hook or floating up to the mother ship. 

Even if there are Sheriffs in the area, how are you going to contact them?  Cell phones never work on country roads.  I think it has to do with the refrigerator grave yards.  You can’t go for a ride in the country without seeing at least one refrigerator grave yard.  The random placement of the refrigerators acts like a super antenna, which causes an energy vortex, just like Stone Hedge.  The energy vortex interferes with the cell phone transmission; hence the dreaded, no signal, I’m screwed. 

One last thought, if you’re driving on a country road and see one of the following: men with missing teeth, bright lights in the sky, big hairy beasts walking upright, women dancing around a cauldron or banjo playing inbreeds…. do not stop the car, there will be a movie about you.

Chapter 5.5: On the Road Again (Con't)

We’re back on the road driving when Bonnie says those dreaded words; “Do you smell something burning?”  “I don’t smell anything.”  “I smell it” she says.  “It’s a burning smell coming from the engine.”  Even though I didn’t smell anything, I took her word for it.  After all, I have seen her burn hamburgers, pancakes, hotdogs, eggs…..  She really does know what burning smells like.

I pull the car over to the apron again, got out and open the hood.  I’m looking around, pushing and moving hoses and wires with my hands, ouch!  I get a sliver in my finger. Great, I thought to myself.  Now I’m in pain, cars are whizzing by, headlights are glaring, and I’m ready to get killed by a car at any moment.  But I did figure out what the burning smell was.  Some of the gas and oil from the missing spark plug cylinder dripped on the engine and started burning.  No big deal, I closed the hood and proceeded to extract the sliver out of my finger using the cars headlight as my light source.  I’m looking down at my finger when all of a sudden I hear the thumping of fists on the windshield.

I look up and all I can see is a brilliant flash of light gleaming in my face.  Then I noticed flashing lights behind my car.  Could this possibly be an alien abduction I thought to myself?  No! No! Anything but the probe!  Why do they call them alien abductions, shouldn’t they be called human abductions? 

*Brief Alien Insight* Did you ever wonder why people who see UFO’s never see the same UFO.  Some people describe them as cigar shaped, triangle shaped, round, square, big, small.  Some make noise, other are silent.  Some have bright lights, other have blinking lights.  Some are slow, some are fast.  You would think people would see the same UFO, but in different locations. I understand that they may have different UFO manufacturers like θ♂Á€θ☼ or שׂמּףּבֿצּאָאָזּדּ, which would be equivalent to Ford and Chevy.  Hummmm, I wonder how I knew the UFO manufacturers?  But even so, they should still have the basic same shape. 

Now if I were flying a UFO I think I would have a tendency to visit more than one place at time.  After all, I’m traveling 100 light years to get to earth, then decide to go to somewhere in the United States.  I always pick down south for some reason, a small town with less than 50 people total.  Beam someone up that was sitting in a pickup truck, extract some DNA in an inappropriate manner, insert an unknown metal tracking device, beam him or her back down without their memory intact, and fly 100 light years back home without even taking a bathroom break.  I DON’T THINK SO.  I’m going to do some sightseeing.  Maybe see the Grand Canyon, New York City and Niagara Falls.  I’m going to be seen by many, many people, and they’re all going to describe me the same way.  Case closed. No Aliens.

 “Is there a problem sir?”  I hear this voice coming from the bright light.  I’m looking through the windshield and all I see are Bonnie and her mother desperately pointing to the State Trooper.  Thanks for the warning I’m thinking to myself.  Again the Trooper says, “Is there a problem sir?”  Well, the first stupid thing I said was, no officer I’m just trying to get a sliver out of my hand.  Now I know what he’s thinking.  Why would anybody pull over to the side of the thruway with cars racing by at 65 MPH to get a sliver out of his hand?  Then I go and say the second stupid thing.  Well I had to pull over because a spark plug fell out of the engine. I know, it didn’t sound right to me either. 

Now he starts looking at me like I’m some sort of wacko. Then he takes his flashlight and points it to the windshield of the car.  I’m looking at the windshield as the light from his flashlight is illuminating the interior of the car.  It looked like a scene from “Cops” were they open the back of the truck, shine their flashlights and all you see are people’s heads in-between boxes and boxes all jammed together. I thought for sure, the cop was going to haul me away to jail, for illegal alien transportation over an interstate highway.

I can’t imagine what was going on in his mind at this point.  Seeing all these tiny heads in-between camping gear shoved into a car, tighter than a sardine can. Then he points his flashlight towards the top of the car.  He can’t believe how much stuff is piled on top of the car.  His flashlight scans higher and higher as he wonders if it exceeds the 12’ limit for bridges.  I thought for sure he was ready to get his tape measure out.  I knew exactly what he was thinking; how in the world did he manage to fit his entire house into and on top of his car.

How long are you going camping for he asked?  Just the weekend I replied. He gave me the “your wife made you do this, didn’t she” look and I gave him the “your dam right” look.  Then he gave me the “I would hate to be you” look and I gave him the “I couldn’t afford a divorce lawyer” look.  One last time he shines his flashlight in my face, tells me to be careful and off he goes.  

I’m back again at the helm of my car for the third time.  “Take us to warp factor 3 Mr. Sulu, destination Camp Paradise.”  “By the way Mr. Sulu, give up the country singing.”

Chapter 5.4; On the Road Again (Con't)

I’m a glass half empty kind of guy.  Unless I am driving a new car or renting a car I’m not that concern with the car breaking down.  But taking an older car on a long trip I have a tendency to keep looking at the gauges, hoping nothing going to happen.  So far, so good, two hours into this trip and everything is just fine.  The car is running good, the kids are sleeping now, and it’s just a nice pleasant drive.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!!!

My pleasant drive just turned into my worst fear, CAR TROUBLE.  It sounded like someone was banging the engine with a hammer: bang, bang, bang.  “Carl, the cars making a funny noise” Bonnie says.  I know funny noises when I hear them, people farting in public, someone snoring in an auditorium, those are funny noises.  My engine blowing up is not a funny noise.  I pulled the car over to the side of the thruway as quick as possible. 

As I turned off the engine you could hear a pin drop in the car.  Everyone realized our little camping excursion was just canceled.  A thousand thoughts flew thru my mind in a matter of seconds.  What are we going to do now?  How do I get everybody to a hotel?  Who’s going to fix the car at 11:00PM on a holiday weekend?  How can we even call for help?  Yeah, I know what your thinking, but this was before cell phones were even invented.  Where’s a state trooper when you need one?

If I was Captain Kirk, all I would have to do is call my chief engineer Mr. Scott.  Mr. Scott, go to the engine room and see what you can do. Unfortunately I don’t have a Chief Engineer.  I do have a wife who thinks she’s the chief but she’s no engineer.  Sometimes Kirk had to do the job himself.  It’s time to get out of the car and take a look at the engine.  Where did I put that flashlight? 

Just as I was saying where I put that flashlight, it dawned on me exactly where the flashlight was, buried in one of the nooks and crannies.  Somewhere were the sun doesn’t shine.

This is not going to be fun.

I get out of the car, its dark outside, and all I hear are cars racing by a 60 MPH’s.  I had no idea, getting out of your car on a thruway is that scary.  It’s like a race side seat at the Daytona 500 except there’s no big wall or fence to protect you.  You’re just standing on the apron, unprotected, with cars whizzing by 10 feet away.  Maybe I should have let Bonnie get the flashlight?

I started unpacking all the stuff from the back of the car that I had previously packed two hours prior. After about 10 minutes, I found the flashlight right where I thought it would be, in my toolbox, in the right nook and the left cranny.  Good guess.  All the stuff that I unpacked I laid out behind the car.  The people driving by must have thought I was going to set up camp on the side of the thruway. 

I popped the hood and took a quick look, everything looked fine.  I really didn’t expect to find anything because I thought the noise from the engine was internal, not external.  Just for the heck of it I looked under front of the car.  I’m lying under the front of the car pointing the flashlight upwards when the gates of heaven opened up to showed me my problem. There it was, illuminated by the beam of the flashlight, glistening in its glory; a spark plug, barely hanging by a thread off of the spark plug wire. It took a few seconds to analyze the data just presented to me.  I didn’t believe what I was seeing.  I thought I was hallucinating.

After I came to my senses I took another look.  Sure enough the spark plug was dangling under the engine, hanging from its own wire.  In that brief moment, overwhelming joy filled my heart, not from finding the engine problem, but from being able to fix the engine problem. Apparently when I replaced the sparkplugs I forgot to tighten one of them.  I wonder if there’s a why to blame Bonnie for this?  Luckily I brought my spark plug socket with the tool kit.  After a few minutes the spark plug was back in place…. but not the camping gear.  It was time to play Tetris again.  30 minutes later and full of sweat, I was back at the helm.  “Take us to warp factor 1 Mr. Sulu.”  Off we go again.

Chapter 5.3: On the Road Again (Con't)

Do you think anyone ever got to the end of that song?  I think you would have to be really, really drunk to finish that song.  It’s just way too long.

There is one song that’s even longer than “One Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall.” It’s called “The Song That Never Ends.” It just keeps repeating itself, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over  and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over an and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and over and over and over again and over and over and over and over and over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over

You skipped ahead again didn’t you!!!!!!!

It does end eventually, when you lose your voice and can’t sing anymore. 

If you can’t sing, there is another way to occupy kids during a long drive.  It’s called the… actually, I don’t know what it’s called.  We really don’t have a name for it.  It’s a memory game that everyone in the car can play.  It goes like this; “We’re going to Camp Paradise and we’re going to bring a (word starting with “A”).”  So the first person who starts may say; “We’re going to Camp Paradise and we’re bringing an apple.”  The next person says; “We’re going to Camp Paradise and we’re bringing an apple and a blanket (word starting with “B”).”  The next person says: “We’re going to Camp Paradise and we’re bringing an apple, blanket and a cappuccino (word starting with “C”).”  The further you get into the game the harder it becomes.  The person who makes a mistake is out and the last person left is the winner. 

The game is pretty simple if you’re the average family with an IQ of the Beverly Hillbillies.  You try to stick with short words, maybe three letters long.  “We’re going to Camp Paradise and we’re going to bring an ant, bat, cap, dog, Elly May.”  I would definitely want to bring Elly May to Camp Paradise…. if I wasn’t married of course. Can you imagine if it was a family of doctors playing this game? "We’re going to Camp Paradise and we’re going to bring an ateria vertebralis, Basel cell adenoma, carpal articulation and finally a zostor encephalomyelitis."  My family is more in line with the Beverly Hillbillies. We do on occasion get up to  fore letter words.  Oh. I'm sorry. that's "four" letter words.  See that, my 6th grade education is really paying off.

So we start playing the game.  Everyone is still in it until we get to the “S” word and it’s my turn.  My mind starts cycling thru the “S” words when all of a sudden it happens.  It‘s like the heavens open up.  My thinking was as clear as it can be.

“We forgot the stakes!!!!!” I yell out in horror.

“No, no Bonnie says.  I put the steaks in the cooler.”  “Not those steaks I said.  The stakes that hold the tent down!  I left them soaking in the bucket on the patio.  I knew I shouldn’t have cleaned those stakes.”  “So now you’re going to blame me, right; Bonnie says.”  Well, it was crossing my mind, my clearly thinking mind.  I thought to myself, how can I put up a tent that’s as big as my family room without staking it down?  Tree branches first came to mind.  Then a nice hotel room sounded even better.  Oh well, at least I have another hour of driving to think about it. 

Chapter 5.2: On the Road Again (Con't)

After the first hour of driving I snap out of it and I’m wide awake and alert.  The mental check list starts scrolling again.  What did I forget to do?  What did I forget to bring?  I know I’m forgetting something.  Oh well; “Continue on course Mr. Sulu.”  

The kids usually behave well for the first hour and then boredom starts setting in.  I start hearing voices in the back seat:  “You’re sitting to close to me; stop looking at me; quit touching me.”  Oh great, the kids are starting to act up, just what I didn’t need. 

I turn around to find out its’ Nana, my mother –in- law.  She’s causing the entire ruckus.  I just can’t get any breaks.  I know it was bound to happen sooner or later.  Nanas’ like the Big Bang, everything was nice and quiet and then boooooooooommmmmmmm.  She sets the kids in motion, a constantly expanding universe of fighting, crying, laughing, poking, screaming, hair pulling and normal kid stuff.  Unfortunately it’s the kind of stuff that drives parents crazy.  If only the Super Nanny was here. 

Why wasn’t the Super Nanny around twenty years ago when I needed her?  Neither were Dr. Phil, Dr Laura, and Dr. Ruth.  All right, forget Dr. Ruth, she told you how to make kids, not how to raise them.  How did we manage back then to raise kids without all this professional help?   Pretty well I think.  We learned to raise kids from our parents.  Not from some celebrity doctor. 

My father had a good way of managing kids on a car trip.  He would lead us in a sing-a-long.  But he didn’t sing any old short songs like “The Farmer in the Dell” or “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star;” No, he always picked the song that lasted so long we would all become tired and fall asleep. My father made us sing the song of all songs, the song you sing on long car rides, the ultimate beer drinking song, “One Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall.” 

He also taught us how to tell time…. that didn’t go quite as well.  We’re all still in therapy, some twenty years later after that lesson. But I can tell you the time of day in any city, here or abroad, without even looking at a watch.  Anyway, the song stayed with me and I passed it on to my kids.  It goes something like this.

♪♫ “One hundred bottles of beer on the wall, one hundred bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall.  Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall.  Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-eight bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, ninety-seven bottles of beer on the wall.  ♫ Ninety-seven bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-seven bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, ninety-six bottles of beer on the wall.  Ninety-six bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-six bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, ninety-five bottles of beer on the wall.  Ninety-five bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-five bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, ninety-four bottles of beer on the wall.  Nine-four bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-four bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, ninety-three bottles of beer on the wall. ♫♫ Ninety-three bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-three bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, ninety-two bottles of beer on the wall.  Ninety-two bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-two bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, ninety-one bottles of beer on the wall.  Ninety-one bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-one bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, ninety bottles of beer on the wall.  Ninety bottles of beer on the wall, ninety bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, eighty-nine bottles of beer on the wall.  Eighty-nine bottles of beer on the wall, eighty-nine bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, eighty-eighty bottles of beer on the wall.  Eighty-eight bottles of beer on the wall, eighty-eight bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, eighty -seven bottles of beer on the wall. ♫ Eighty-seven bottles of beer on the wall, eighty-seven bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, eighty-six bottles of beer on the wall.  Eighty-six bottles of beer on the wall, eighty-six bottles of beer,if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, eighty-five bottles of beer on the wall.  Eighty-five bottles of beer on the wall, eighty-five bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, eighty-four bottles of beer on the wall.  Eighty-four bottles of beer on the wall, eighty-four bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, eighty-three bottles of beer on the wall.  Eighty-three bottles of beer on the wall, eighty-three bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, eighty-two bottles of beer on the wall.  ♪♫ Eighty-two bottles of beer on the wall, eighty-two bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, eighty-one bottles of beer on the wall.  Eighty-one bottles of beer on the wall, eighty-one bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, eighty bottles of beer on the wall.  Eighty bottles of beer on the wall, eighty bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, seventy-nine bottles of beer on the wall.  Seventy-nine bottles of beer on the wall, seventy-nine bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, seventy-eight bottles of beer on the wall. ♪♫ Seventy - eight bottles of beer on the wall, seventy-eight bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, seventy-seven bottles of beer on the wall.  Seventy-seven bottles of beer on the wall, seventy-seven bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, seventy-six bottles of beer on the wall.  Seventy-six bottles of beer on the wall, seventy-six bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, seventy-five bottles of beer on the wall. Seventy -five bottles of beer on the wall, seventy-five bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, seventy-four bottles of beer on the wall. Seventy-four bottles of beer on the wall, seventy-four bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, seventy-three bottles of beer on the wall. Seventy-three bottles of beer on the wall, seventy-three bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, seventy-two bottles of beer on the wall.  Seventy-two bottles of beer on the wall, seventy-two bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, seventy-one bottles of beer on the wall.  Seventy-one bottles of beer on the wall, seventy-one bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, sixty-nine bottles of beer on the wall.  Sixty-nine bottles of beer on the wall, sixty-nine bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, sixty-eight bottles of beer on the wall.  Sixty-eight bottles of beer on the wall, sixty-eight bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, sixty-seven bottles of beer on the wall.  Sixty-seven bottles of beer on the wall, sixty- seven bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, sixty-six bottles of beer on the wall.  ♪♫Sixty-six bottles of beer on the wall, sixty-six bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, sixty-five bottles of beer on the wall.  Sixty-five bottles of beer on the wall, sixty-five bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, sixty-four bottles of beer on the wall.  Sixty-four bottles of beer on the wall, sixty-four bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, sixty-three bottles of beer on the wall.  ♪♫♪♫ Sixty- three bottles of beer on the wall, sixty-three bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, sixty-two bottles of beer on the wall.  Sixty-two bottles of beer on the wall, sixty-two bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, sixty-one bottles of beer on the wall.  Sixty-one bottles of beer on the wall, sixty-one bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, sixty bottles of beer on the wall.  Sixty bottles of beer on the wall, sixty bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, fifty-nine bottles of beer on the wall.  Fifty-nine bottles of beer on the wall, fifty-nine bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, fifty-eight bottles of beer on the wall.  Fifty-eight bottles of beer on the wall, fifty-eight bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, fifty -seven bottles of beer on the wall.  Fifty-seven bottles of beer on the wall, fifty-seven bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, fifty-six bottles of beer on the wall.  Fifty- six bottles of beer on the wall, fifty-six bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, fifty -five bottles of beer on the wall. ♪♪♪ Fifty - five bottles of beer on the wall, fifty - five bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, fifty -four bottles of beer on the wall.  Fifty-four bottles of beer on the wall, fifty-four bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, fifty- three bottles of beer on the wall.  Fifty-three bottles of beer on the wall, fifty- three bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, fifty-two bottles of beer on the wall.  Fifty-two bottles of beer on the wall, fifty-two bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, fifty-one bottles of beer on the wall.  Fifty-one bottles of beer on the wall, fifty-one bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, fifty bottles of beer on the wall.  Fifty bottles of beer on the wall, fifty bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, forty -nine bottles of beer on the wall.  Forty -nine bottles of beer on the wall, forty -nine bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, forty-eight bottles of beer on the wall.    Forty-eight bottles of beer on the wall, forty-eight bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, forty -seven bottles of beer on the wall. ♫♪♫ Forty-seven bottles of beer on the wall, forty-seven bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, forty-six bottles of beer on the wall.  Forty-six bottles of beer on the wall, forty-six bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, forty-five bottles of beer on the wall.  Forty-five bottles of beer on the wall, forty-five bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, forty -four bottles of beer on the wall.  Forty-four bottles of beer on the wall, forty-four bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, forty -three bottles of beer on the wall.  Forty-three bottles of beer on the wall, forty-three bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, forty-two bottles of beer on the wall.  Forty - two bottles of beer on the wall, forty-two bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, forty-one bottles of beer on the wall.  Forty-one bottles of beer on the wall, forty - one bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, forty bottles of beer on the wall. ♫♪ Forty bottles of beer on the wall, forty bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, thirty-nine bottles of beer on the wall.  Thirty-nine bottles of beer on the wall, thirty -nine bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, thirty-eight bottles of beer on the wall.  Thirty-eight bottles of beer on the wall, thirty-eight bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, thirty-seven bottles of beer on the wall.  Thirty-seven bottles of beer on the wall, thirty-seven bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, thirty-six bottles of beer on the wall.  Thirty-six bottles of beer on the wall, thirty-six bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, thirty-five bottles of beer on the wall. ♪♫Thirty-five bottles of beer on the wall, thirty-five bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, thirty -four bottles of beer on the wall.  Thirty-four bottles of beer on the wall, thirty-four bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, thirty -three bottles of beer on the wall.  Thirty-three bottles of beer on the wall, thirty-three bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, thirty-two bottles of beer on the wall.  Thirty-two bottles of beer on the wall, thirty-two bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, thirty -one bottles of beer on the wall.  Thirty-one bottles of beer on the wall, thirty-one bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, thirty bottles of beer on the wall.  Thirty bottles of beer on the wall, thirty bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, twenty-nine bottles of beer on the wall.  Twenty-nine bottles of beer on the wall, twenty -nine bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, twenty -eight bottles of beer on the wall.  ♫♪♫ Twenty-eight bottles of beer on the wall, twenty-eight bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, twenty-seven bottles of beer on the wall.  Twenty-seven bottles of beer on the wall, twenty-seven bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, twenty-six bottles of beer on the wall. Twenty-six bottles of beer on the wall, twenty-six bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, twenty-five bottles of beer on the wall.  Twenty-five bottles of beer on the wall, twenty-five bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, twenty -four bottles of beer on the wall.  Twenty-four bottles of beer on the wall, twenty-four bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, twenty-three bottles of beer on the wall.  Twenty-three bottles of beer on the wall, twenty- three bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, twenty -one bottles of beer on the wall.  Twenty-one bottles of beer on the wall, twenty - one bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, twenty bottles of beer on the wall.  Twenty bottles of beer on the wall, twenty bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, nineteen bottles of beer on the wall.  Nineteen bottles of beer on the wall, nineteen bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, eighteen bottles of 

beer on the wall. ♪♫ Eighteen bottles of beer on the wall, eighteen bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, seventeen bottles of beer on the wall.  Seventeen bottles of beer on the wall, seventeen bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, sixteen bottles of beer on the wall. Sixteen bottles of beer on the wall, sixteen bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, fifteen bottles of beer on the wall.  Fifteen bottles of beer on the wall, fifteen bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, fourteen bottles of beer on the wall.  Fourteen bottles of beer on the wall, fourteen bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, thirteen bottles of beer on the wall.  Thirteen bottles of beer on the wall, thirteen bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, twelve bottles of beer on the wall.  Twelve bottles of beer on the wall, twelve bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, eleven bottles of beer on the wall. .  Eleven bottles of beer on the wall, eleven bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, ten bottles of beer on the wall. ♫♪ Ten bottles of beer on the wall, ten bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, nine bottles of beer on the wall. . Ten bottles of beer on the wall, ten bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, nine bottles of beer on the wall. . Ten bottles of beer on the wall, ten bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, nine bottles of beer on the wall. . Nine bottles of beer on the wall, nine bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, eight bottles of beer on the wall. . ♫♪♫ Eight bottles of beer on the wall, eight bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, seven bottles of beer on the wall. . Seven bottles of beer on the wall, seven bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, six bottles of beer on the wall. . Six bottles of beer on the wall, six bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, five bottles of beer on the wall. . Five bottles of beer on the wall, five bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, four bottles of beer on the wall. . Four bottles of beer on the wall, four bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, three bottles of beer on the wall. . ♪♪ Three bottles of beer on the wall, three bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, two bottles of beer on the wall. . Two bottles of beer on the wall, two bottles of beer, if just one of those bottles should happen to fall, one bottles of beer on the wall. . One bottle of beer on the wall, one bottle of beer, if just one bottle should happen to fall, there’s no--- more---- bottles---- of---- beer---- on---- the---- waaallllllllllllll.” ♪♫♪♪♪♫♪

You skipped ahead didn’t you!!!!!!!

 

Chapter 5.1: On the Road Again

There’s always that moment of uncertainty, just when you’re about to turn the key, when a thousand thoughts flood your mind.  A mental check list starts to scroll. Questions start being asked.  What did I forget to do?  What did I forget to bring?  I know I’m forgetting something.  Oh well, take us to warp factor 1 Mr. Sulu.  Off we go….. Oh, by the way, I always talk to invisible Star Trek characters.  Not that I’m crazy or paranoid…..

I never really liked to drive long distances.  I always made it a point to work close to home just for that reason. My current job is only 1.5 miles from my house.  My previous job was only a mile.  If I could work at my house it would be perfect. If I didn’t have to get out of bed it would be perfect.  What kind of job could I do from my house and not have to get out of bed?  Hmmmm, I don’t think my wife would appreciate that one.

It seems like the first hour of driving is always the worst for me, especially on the New York State “Toll”way.  For some reason when we first start off I’m always tired and can barely keep my eyes open. Everybody else in the car is having fun, playing games, relaxing while I’m trying to keep my eyes from shutting.  It gets really bad when I drive at night.  Every biorhythm in my body is telling me to go to sleep.  My right side of my brain is telling me, if I close my eyes for just one second everything will be alright. Thank goodness for the left side of my brain.  “LISTEN TO ME IDIOT, IF YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES EVEN FOR ONE SECOND YOU’RE A DEAD MAN.”   That was my left side brain talking.

I really think the problem for me is what I call “The White Snake.” You know; those broken white lines between the lanes.  They’re constantly coming at you, spaced perfectly apart, never ending, sometimes turning, sometimes straight, weaving in and out, following every car movement just like a snake. The White snake actually knows what I’m thinking.  If I speed up, it speeds up.  If I slow down, it slows down.  It also anticipates my turns.  If I turn into the left lane, it turns right.  If I turn into the left lane, it turns right. It knows exactly what I’m going to do at every moment. 

The White Snake is also subliminal. It’s a hypnotic Moores Code to the brain, saying, go to sleep, go to sleep…. “Stop it White snake, stop it!”  Oh…sorry, I almost dosed off for a second.

But it’s not the only thing that bothers me while I’m driving. 

 Just as you get used to the White snake coming at you, the road decides to throw you another distraction, which I call the heartbeat.  Thump thump, ---------- thump thump------------thump thump------------- thump thump!  That’s the sweet sound of your tires thumping on perfectly spaced road indentations and in perfect sync with the White snake.  Thump thump, line, line, line, line--- thump thump, line, line, line, line---thump thump, line, line, line, line--- thump thump!  It drives me crazy.  It’s like the Chinese Water Torture: drip, drip, drip, drip.

(My right side brain talking) If I close my eyes for just one second, everything will be alright.   “LISTEN TO ME IDIOT; IF YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES EVEN FOR ONE SECOND, YOU’RE A DEAD MAN.”    Thanks again, left side of my brain, and to you Mr. Spock.  Logic reasoning does have its good points. 

There’s still one more problem I usually have to deal while driving, my wife.  If we’re any substantial distance from home and its passed 9:00 pm, I’m the one driving and she’s the one sleeping.  She’s sleeping while I do all the work.  It kind of reminds me of my marriage.  The sleeping part doesn’t bother me that much, its’ the snoring part that does. So now you have thump thump, line, line, line, line, scqhuaaaaaaaa--- thump thump, line, line, line, line, scqhuaaaaaaaa ---thump thump, line, line, line, line, scqhuaaaaaaaa --- thump thump!  It sounds like a symphony from hell.  But like anything else in life you find ways to deal with it.  Turn up the radio.

Chapter 4.4: Packing for the Trip (Con't)

Reality check, it’s 8 pm, it’s getting dark and were still in the driveway.  I still have to drive for 3 hours!  When does the relaxing weekend start?

“Let’s get going, we were supposed to be there by now,” I yell from the driveway. “Start getting the kids in the car.”

Little did I know that I would be saying “let’s get going” for the next 20 some years.  Correction, I would be yelling “let’s get going” for the next twenty some years.  It’s a good thing I have a high tolerance for her lateness.  Actually it’s a good thing I have high blood pressure pills.

We start making the final check of the house before we leave.  Let’s see; the oven is off, all the windows are shut, the TV’s are off, a few lights on to scare the burglars away, and all the doors are locked, yada, yada, yada.  It looks like we’re ready to go.  “We can’t go yet,” Bonnie nonchalantly says.  “What do you mean we can’t go yet,” I asked.  “The kids are in the car and everything is packed?”  “What’s the problem?” “My mother’s not here yet,” she says.

“Your Mother is going with us !!!!!”

Where did I put those high blood pills?  All right calm down, calm down, I keep saying to myself.  “Why didn’t you tell me she was coming with us?” “Oh yada, yada, yada,” she says.  How about yada, yada, yada this.............  I just love Seinfeld.

Bottom line is, were the hel---- heck is she going to sit.  Maybe we should strap her to the bottom of the wagon since the top of it is already taken.  Calm down, calm down……

Of course, Bonnie’s mother is not here yet and we’re all ready to leave.  I guess being late is a hereditary trait, or better yet, a pain in the ass trait.  It’s getting towards 9 PM and we still haven’t left. 

Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, “Where the heck is she.”  Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting,waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting. waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, “Why isn’t she here yet.” Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, “Are you sure you told her?”  Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, “Never again!”  Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, “If she’s not here in five minutes!”  Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting,

waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting. 

“Finally she’s here.” (elapsed time,10 minutes).  Ok, it felt like it was a lot longer.

So after another 30 minutes of packing manipulations and knot tying dexterity,

“Let’s get going!!!!!!!”

 

Chapter 4.3: Packing for the Trip (Con't)

 We still need pots, pans, forks, spoons, knives, drinking cups, matches, clothes line, clothes pins, detergent, scrub brush, tooth brushes, hair brush, hair dryer, Band-Aids ( Alicia), bug spray, table cloth, shaver, deodorant, flashlight, sleeping cots, air mattresses, air pump, and a U-Haul truck.

 Wait a minute, I forgot about the kids again,  Baseball bat, mitts, balls, footballs, whiffle balls, soccer balls, badminton, fishing poles, roller blades, Playstation 2 (Playstation 3 wasn’t out yet), 13” portable TV, baseball cards, football cards, credit cards ( those are for us ), skate board, bicycles and a bigger U-Hall truck.

It’s time to pack the station wagon.  I have a couple of theories about this.  You can just throw everything in randomly and hope it fits or you can use some sort of logic and place each individual item in a predetermined spot. Men always chose the easiest way first or the one that takes the least amount of thought. So I start throwing everything in randomly like every good husband does and after swearing and sweating for a hour, take everything back out and start all over. I guess this is no different than loading a grocery bag, not that I ever done that.  But they always start with the biggest and heaviest items first.  Then they build upon that base with all the light stuff and finally the eggs on top.  So I start with the biggest and heaviest boxes first.

 It’s just like the game Tetris.  You must form the boxes into the shape of the trunk.  And as you add more boxes, the shape of the trunk changes, which makes you constantly change the way you add more boxes.  The only problem with Station Wagon Tetris is it’s in three dimensions. That’s one more dimension than I’m used to playing with. There’s also one more problem I didn’t anticipate.  My wonderful, caring wife (brownie points) has no knowledge of the Space Time Continuum. That is, how many items can fit in a non-expanding space and how much time it will take me to lose it and go completely ballistic.  It seems the older I get the time continuum gets shorter and shorter.

So I start all over again with the biggest and heaviest boxes first, carefully placing them in what I think is the perfect position, turning and tilting them to fit together as tight as possible to conserve space.  Then I would take a smaller box like my tool box and find that one nook and cranny and slide it in there.  At this point, it’s not so important where they go in the car, just as long as they are in there, or so I thought.  As I seem to be running out of room, I notice my wonderful wife (burnt brownie points) bringing more and more shiiiii---- stuff for me to pack.  Thank goodness for blood pressure medicine. “Where’s the cooler,” she says in her somewhat sarcastic voice?  “Can’t you see it dear (black, charred, right from hell brownie points), underneath all those boxes?”  “How are we going to get to it in case the kids need a drink during the ride,” she asked?  “Maybe I should pack the car,” she adds.  Why didn’t she say that an hour ago?  I would have gladly let her pack the car. 

 Unfortunately she’s right, I forgot the kid factor.  Kids have certain needs, and their needs usually interfere with my needs. My need is to get this done as soon as possible.  Their need is to have access to all edible items otherwise all hell breaks loose.  So I move the cooler to the back of the tailgate for easy access. 

I fill in the remaining gaps with all the soft items like sleeping bags, blankets, tent tarps, air mattresses, baseball gloves.  At this point the wagon is pretty much packed to capacity.  I can barely close the hatch without shattering the rear window.  The only problem is I have no room for the tent, tent poles, bikes, folding chairs, kid’s bikes and sleeping cots.  Maybe I should reconsider renting the U-Haul truck?  Maybe I should reconsider not going at all. That option sounds good to me, only in my dreams of course.

 It’s time to think outside the box, or in my case outside the station wagon.  The only way to go is up, way up.  There’s a lot of unused real-estate on top of the wagon that needs some development.  The only trouble is the wagon has no luggage racks or tie downs.  This is where the garage sale comes in handy.  My father just happened to buy this weird looking thing at a garage sale and never used it.  It looks like a metal box made out of an erector set that has four big suction cups and four tie down straps. It’s the poor man’s version of a cargo carrier. I just happened to be poor so this should work out just fine.

 It just dawned on me; I probably won’t be able to pick up chicks with this thing on top of my car. What am I thinking; I won’t be able to pick up chicks driving a station wagon anyway.  I’m kidding myself; I’m married, I won’t be able to pick up anything except garbage cans; back to reality.

I threw it on top of the car and connected the tie down straps to the rain gutters.  If you’re under the age of 20 you probably don’t know what rain gutters are?  I’m not talking about the ones on a house. They used to have rain gutters on most of the cars made before the 90’s.  They keep the rain from pouring into the car if you leave the window open a crack. It’s a good thing my car is a 1980 otherwise I would have no way of connecting the carrier to my car.  So I tighten the carrier straps as tight as I can, take a step back I notice how ugly it looks sitting on top of the wagon.  Man, that’s ugly, but the station wagon is plenty ugly by itself.  What’s a little uglier going to do?  It’s not like I’m single anymore.  Do I really care about what kind of car I drive?  This is what marriage and kids do to you.  It makes you content, and content is a bad thing.

I start throwing the bikes up there, the four folding chairs, the tent, tent poles, a couple more sleeping bags and the eating canopy.  This stuff is starting to pile up pretty high I’m thinking to myself.  I’m starting to worry about the wind shear factor.  We will be going at least 65 Mph.  I better make sure I tie enough rope around this stuff to hold it down.  Being a former Cub Scout Assistant Leader, you would think I would know how to tie knots.  Unfortunately my boys quit before we ever got to the knot tying badge.  I could have used that badge knowledge right about now.  So to make up for it, I used twice as much rope as was necessary and took twice as much time to make sure it was secured.  It looked like the biggest yarn ball in the world up there; but better safe than sorry.  I was actually physically tired just tying these ropes.  I’m ready to take a nap.