Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Chapter 5.6 : On the Road Again (Con't)

After another hour of driving on the thruway it’s time to exit.  It’s all dark country roads from here on. “It would have been nicely lit country roads if we hadn’t left so late, right Bonnie?”  “You  %&$#*@!&*(&^$#^*))(^%@#@^&*&*^%^%^$*%(*^*>,” Bonnie replied.

It's one thing to drive winding, hilly, country roads during the day but at night it’s a whole different story.  You have all sorts of animals running across the road, some small some big.  The small ones you don’t have to worry about, rabbits, squirrels, and raccoons.  You hit them with your car and they bounce right off; usually with a couple of cartwheels and then a thud.  Then the car behind you finishes them off, splat.  No big problem, food for the black birds.  It’s Nature’s way of recycling. 

The skunk is about the only small animal that could give you problems.  You run over a skunk and squish his big bad gland and all sorts of nasty stuff sprays all over the place.  Can you imagine being in a convertible and driving behind someone who just ran over a skunk?  That skunk and stench has to go somewhere.  You better hope he doesn’t land on your lap.

Deer are the one animal you do have to worry about.  Hitting a deer going 50 MPH is a trip to the hospital…not for the deer, for you.  It all depends on what type of car you're driving, the bigger the better.  Size does matter.  A car with a flat front also helps.  You hit the deer and just push him out of the way.  You might have an accordion for the front end of your car but you’re still alive.  You don’t want to hit a deer with a sports car, or a car with a low front end.  That deer could end up going right thru the windshield of your car.  It’s not easy driving a car with a deer kicking you in the face.

You would think after all the years of evolution, a deer would learn how to cross the road without getting hit.  Don’t they notice their dead kin on the side of the road?  There has to be some area in their pea size brain that says, danger, danger, big metal object approaching; do not cross hard black soil.  They know enough to read the deer crossing signs, so they must be somewhat intelligent.  Maybe we should send the deer to Road Crossing School.  They can watch movies of their relatives getting hit by cars.  If we can just train one deer to cross the street, he could go back to the herd and teach all the others.  Remember when Picard sent one humanized Borg back to the ship; no more Borg assimilation.  We wouldn’t need the bait and shoot method if they could learn to cross the street.  We could all live in harmony. 

Hold on one minute!  There’s a good song on the radio, ♫♫ Born to be W i l d ♫♫.  Every time this song comes on the radio, I crank up the volume and step on the gas.

Aside from the animals running across the road, it’s still dangerous traveling at night on country roads. They’re usually very hilly and pitch black at night.  It’s like riding a roller coaster.  You start at the top of the hill, you start going downward, picking up speed, but it’s not enough.  You have to accelerate to make it easier to get up the next hill. You step on the gas going faster and faster. You can feel the pleasure of negative G-Forces as you hit the bottom of the hill.  You press on the gas even more to make steep the hill.  As you reach the top of the hill you feel the ecstasy of weightlessness. You have to make a quick right turn then down another steep stretch.  Cars are whizzing by you in the opposite direction, blinding you with their bright lights, you can barely make out the road. A quick left, a quick right, down another hill and finally coasting slowly to a stop sign.  You take a deep breath as you stop, you can feel your heart beating out of your chest; your ears are hearing John Denver’s’ Take Me Home Country Roads.  Country roads, ♫♪ take me home, ♫♫♫ to a place, ♪♫♪ I belong, West Virginia, ♫♫♫ mountain Mama ---- What!!!!!!!  Who turned the station? 

 Make sure your car is in tip top shape before traveling on those country roads.  Country roads are the worst place for your car to break down.  Never under any circumstances should you get out of your car!  Did you ever see the movies, “Deliverance,” “Texas Chain Saw Massacre,” “The Hills Have Eyes,” “Deliverance,” “Deliverance,” and “Deliverance?”  To this day, I still can’t look at Porky Pig the same way.  You can forget about cops helping you, there aren’t any.  Rural areas do not have their own police department.  They have to rely on the state’s Sheriff’s department for protection; protection that is either under staffed or spread too thin.  By the time they come to your rescue, you’re either hanging from a meat hook or floating up to the mother ship. 

Even if there are Sheriffs in the area, how are you going to contact them?  Cell phones never work on country roads.  I think it has to do with the refrigerator grave yards.  You can’t go for a ride in the country without seeing at least one refrigerator grave yard.  The random placement of the refrigerators acts like a super antenna, which causes an energy vortex, just like Stone Hedge.  The energy vortex interferes with the cell phone transmission; hence the dreaded, no signal, I’m screwed. 

One last thought, if you’re driving on a country road and see one of the following: men with missing teeth, bright lights in the sky, big hairy beasts walking upright, women dancing around a cauldron or banjo playing inbreeds…. do not stop the car, there will be a movie about you.