Friday, March 29, 2013

Bulk Up!

Carl here!

It’s time to bulk up for camping. I’m not talking about lifting weights; I’m talking about going to the grocery store and stocking up on bulk candy.  You will need plenty of candy in order to keep the kids happy during a weeklong camping trip.  Your dentist will be happy too!

Bulk candy is the ultimate, there’s like a 100 different barrels to choose from, each one with a different candy surprise. You just fill up the bag with whatever candy you want and just pay by the pound…..  A word of caution, only pick the candy that’s individually wrapped.

See that big scooper next to the candy barrels? It’s there for a reason, a hygienic reason. Like Kelly Ripka said, “I don’t know where your hands been.”  How many times have you seen some snot nose kid reaching in the barrel with his hands swirling all the candy around, touching every single piece.  Then they turn around, and you find out it’s your own snotty nose kid doing it.  And you definitely know where his hands have been!  No matter how many times you tell them not to do it, they always reach in there.

You can’t really blame the kids. If kids see candy, they just naturally reach for it.  If kids have an itch, they are going to scratch it.  That’s where the problem is.  It doesn’t matter where that itch is; they are going to reach down there (underwear) and scratch it….. and after they scratch it, they reach for the candy barrel.  And you know where that piece of candy is going to end up; in your candy dish and then in your mouth; yummy! 

The second reason you only pick wrapped candy is the gravity factor.  You lift that protective cover; you put your head over the barrel to get a good look.  You’re shaking your head, tilting it left and right, trying to get a better view.  What do you think is falling into that candy barrel?  How about sweat, dandruff, nose excretions, epidermal flakes, hair, hair bugs and last but not least, spit and drool.  That’s why you never go for the soft candy, like gummy bears, gum drops, worms.  Not only are they not wrapped but their just tacky enough that everything sticks to them.  I mean everything.  Ever drop a gummy bear on the floor, pick it up and find ten hairs stuck to it, double yummy! 

I just can’t figure out why the soft candy barrels are always empty first.  Shoppers must think that’s sugar sprinkle on the soft candy, and not epidermal skin flakes. I willing to bet Dermatologists never buy bulk….. Hannibal Lector…..defiantly!

Camping with Carl, signing off!