Chapter 5.5: On the Road Again (Con't)

We’re back on the road driving when Bonnie says those dreaded words; “Do you smell something burning?”  “I don’t smell anything.”  “I smell it” she says.  “It’s a burning smell coming from the engine.”  Even though I didn’t smell anything, I took her word for it.  After all, I have seen her burn hamburgers, pancakes, hotdogs, eggs…..  She really does know what burning smells like.

I pull the car over to the apron again, got out and open the hood.  I’m looking around, pushing and moving hoses and wires with my hands, ouch!  I get a sliver in my finger. Great, I thought to myself.  Now I’m in pain, cars are whizzing by, headlights are glaring, and I’m ready to get killed by a car at any moment.  But I did figure out what the burning smell was.  Some of the gas and oil from the missing spark plug cylinder dripped on the engine and started burning.  No big deal, I closed the hood and proceeded to extract the sliver out of my finger using the cars headlight as my light source.  I’m looking down at my finger when all of a sudden I hear the thumping of fists on the windshield.

I look up and all I can see is a brilliant flash of light gleaming in my face.  Then I noticed flashing lights behind my car.  Could this possibly be an alien abduction I thought to myself?  No! No! Anything but the probe!  Why do they call them alien abductions, shouldn’t they be called human abductions? 

*Brief Alien Insight* Did you ever wonder why people who see UFO’s never see the same UFO.  Some people describe them as cigar shaped, triangle shaped, round, square, big, small.  Some make noise, other are silent.  Some have bright lights, other have blinking lights.  Some are slow, some are fast.  You would think people would see the same UFO, but in different locations. I understand that they may have different UFO manufacturers like θ♂Á€θ☼ or שׂמּףּבֿצּאָאָזּדּ, which would be equivalent to Ford and Chevy.  Hummmm, I wonder how I knew the UFO manufacturers?  But even so, they should still have the basic same shape. 

Now if I were flying a UFO I think I would have a tendency to visit more than one place at time.  After all, I’m traveling 100 light years to get to earth, then decide to go to somewhere in the United States.  I always pick down south for some reason, a small town with less than 50 people total.  Beam someone up that was sitting in a pickup truck, extract some DNA in an inappropriate manner, insert an unknown metal tracking device, beam him or her back down without their memory intact, and fly 100 light years back home without even taking a bathroom break.  I DON’T THINK SO.  I’m going to do some sightseeing.  Maybe see the Grand Canyon, New York City and Niagara Falls.  I’m going to be seen by many, many people, and they’re all going to describe me the same way.  Case closed. No Aliens.

 “Is there a problem sir?”  I hear this voice coming from the bright light.  I’m looking through the windshield and all I see are Bonnie and her mother desperately pointing to the State Trooper.  Thanks for the warning I’m thinking to myself.  Again the Trooper says, “Is there a problem sir?”  Well, the first stupid thing I said was, no officer I’m just trying to get a sliver out of my hand.  Now I know what he’s thinking.  Why would anybody pull over to the side of the thruway with cars racing by at 65 MPH to get a sliver out of his hand?  Then I go and say the second stupid thing.  Well I had to pull over because a spark plug fell out of the engine. I know, it didn’t sound right to me either. 

Now he starts looking at me like I’m some sort of wacko. Then he takes his flashlight and points it to the windshield of the car.  I’m looking at the windshield as the light from his flashlight is illuminating the interior of the car.  It looked like a scene from “Cops” were they open the back of the truck, shine their flashlights and all you see are people’s heads in-between boxes and boxes all jammed together. I thought for sure, the cop was going to haul me away to jail, for illegal alien transportation over an interstate highway.

I can’t imagine what was going on in his mind at this point.  Seeing all these tiny heads in-between camping gear shoved into a car, tighter than a sardine can. Then he points his flashlight towards the top of the car.  He can’t believe how much stuff is piled on top of the car.  His flashlight scans higher and higher as he wonders if it exceeds the 12’ limit for bridges.  I thought for sure he was ready to get his tape measure out.  I knew exactly what he was thinking; how in the world did he manage to fit his entire house into and on top of his car.

How long are you going camping for he asked?  Just the weekend I replied. He gave me the “your wife made you do this, didn’t she” look and I gave him the “your dam right” look.  Then he gave me the “I would hate to be you” look and I gave him the “I couldn’t afford a divorce lawyer” look.  One last time he shines his flashlight in my face, tells me to be careful and off he goes.  

I’m back again at the helm of my car for the third time.  “Take us to warp factor 3 Mr. Sulu, destination Camp Paradise.”  “By the way Mr. Sulu, give up the country singing.”

Chapter 5.4; On the Road Again (Con't)

I’m a glass half empty kind of guy.  Unless I am driving a new car or renting a car I’m not that concern with the car breaking down.  But taking an older car on a long trip I have a tendency to keep looking at the gauges, hoping nothing going to happen.  So far, so good, two hours into this trip and everything is just fine.  The car is running good, the kids are sleeping now, and it’s just a nice pleasant drive.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!!!

My pleasant drive just turned into my worst fear, CAR TROUBLE.  It sounded like someone was banging the engine with a hammer: bang, bang, bang.  “Carl, the cars making a funny noise” Bonnie says.  I know funny noises when I hear them, people farting in public, someone snoring in an auditorium, those are funny noises.  My engine blowing up is not a funny noise.  I pulled the car over to the side of the thruway as quick as possible. 

As I turned off the engine you could hear a pin drop in the car.  Everyone realized our little camping excursion was just canceled.  A thousand thoughts flew thru my mind in a matter of seconds.  What are we going to do now?  How do I get everybody to a hotel?  Who’s going to fix the car at 11:00PM on a holiday weekend?  How can we even call for help?  Yeah, I know what your thinking, but this was before cell phones were even invented.  Where’s a state trooper when you need one?

If I was Captain Kirk, all I would have to do is call my chief engineer Mr. Scott.  Mr. Scott, go to the engine room and see what you can do. Unfortunately I don’t have a Chief Engineer.  I do have a wife who thinks she’s the chief but she’s no engineer.  Sometimes Kirk had to do the job himself.  It’s time to get out of the car and take a look at the engine.  Where did I put that flashlight? 

Just as I was saying where I put that flashlight, it dawned on me exactly where the flashlight was, buried in one of the nooks and crannies.  Somewhere were the sun doesn’t shine.

This is not going to be fun.

I get out of the car, its dark outside, and all I hear are cars racing by a 60 MPH’s.  I had no idea, getting out of your car on a thruway is that scary.  It’s like a race side seat at the Daytona 500 except there’s no big wall or fence to protect you.  You’re just standing on the apron, unprotected, with cars whizzing by 10 feet away.  Maybe I should have let Bonnie get the flashlight?

I started unpacking all the stuff from the back of the car that I had previously packed two hours prior. After about 10 minutes, I found the flashlight right where I thought it would be, in my toolbox, in the right nook and the left cranny.  Good guess.  All the stuff that I unpacked I laid out behind the car.  The people driving by must have thought I was going to set up camp on the side of the thruway. 

I popped the hood and took a quick look, everything looked fine.  I really didn’t expect to find anything because I thought the noise from the engine was internal, not external.  Just for the heck of it I looked under front of the car.  I’m lying under the front of the car pointing the flashlight upwards when the gates of heaven opened up to showed me my problem. There it was, illuminated by the beam of the flashlight, glistening in its glory; a spark plug, barely hanging by a thread off of the spark plug wire. It took a few seconds to analyze the data just presented to me.  I didn’t believe what I was seeing.  I thought I was hallucinating.

After I came to my senses I took another look.  Sure enough the spark plug was dangling under the engine, hanging from its own wire.  In that brief moment, overwhelming joy filled my heart, not from finding the engine problem, but from being able to fix the engine problem. Apparently when I replaced the sparkplugs I forgot to tighten one of them.  I wonder if there’s a why to blame Bonnie for this?  Luckily I brought my spark plug socket with the tool kit.  After a few minutes the spark plug was back in place…. but not the camping gear.  It was time to play Tetris again.  30 minutes later and full of sweat, I was back at the helm.  “Take us to warp factor 1 Mr. Sulu.”  Off we go again.

Chapter 5.3: On the Road Again (Con't)

Do you think anyone ever got to the end of that song?  I think you would have to be really, really drunk to finish that song.  It’s just way too long.

There is one song that’s even longer than “One Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall.” It’s called “The Song That Never Ends.” It just keeps repeating itself, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over  and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over an and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and over and over and over again and over and over and over and over and over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over again over

You skipped ahead again didn’t you!!!!!!!

It does end eventually, when you lose your voice and can’t sing anymore. 

If you can’t sing, there is another way to occupy kids during a long drive.  It’s called the… actually, I don’t know what it’s called.  We really don’t have a name for it.  It’s a memory game that everyone in the car can play.  It goes like this; “We’re going to Camp Paradise and we’re going to bring a (word starting with “A”).”  So the first person who starts may say; “We’re going to Camp Paradise and we’re bringing an apple.”  The next person says; “We’re going to Camp Paradise and we’re bringing an apple and a blanket (word starting with “B”).”  The next person says: “We’re going to Camp Paradise and we’re bringing an apple, blanket and a cappuccino (word starting with “C”).”  The further you get into the game the harder it becomes.  The person who makes a mistake is out and the last person left is the winner. 

The game is pretty simple if you’re the average family with an IQ of the Beverly Hillbillies.  You try to stick with short words, maybe three letters long.  “We’re going to Camp Paradise and we’re going to bring an ant, bat, cap, dog, Elly May.”  I would definitely want to bring Elly May to Camp Paradise…. if I wasn’t married of course. Can you imagine if it was a family of doctors playing this game? "We’re going to Camp Paradise and we’re going to bring an ateria vertebralis, Basel cell adenoma, carpal articulation and finally a zostor encephalomyelitis."  My family is more in line with the Beverly Hillbillies. We do on occasion get up to  fore letter words.  Oh. I'm sorry. that's "four" letter words.  See that, my 6th grade education is really paying off.

So we start playing the game.  Everyone is still in it until we get to the “S” word and it’s my turn.  My mind starts cycling thru the “S” words when all of a sudden it happens.  It‘s like the heavens open up.  My thinking was as clear as it can be.

“We forgot the stakes!!!!!” I yell out in horror.

“No, no Bonnie says.  I put the steaks in the cooler.”  “Not those steaks I said.  The stakes that hold the tent down!  I left them soaking in the bucket on the patio.  I knew I shouldn’t have cleaned those stakes.”  “So now you’re going to blame me, right; Bonnie says.”  Well, it was crossing my mind, my clearly thinking mind.  I thought to myself, how can I put up a tent that’s as big as my family room without staking it down?  Tree branches first came to mind.  Then a nice hotel room sounded even better.  Oh well, at least I have another hour of driving to think about it.