“Bonnie!” I shout as I walked into the kitchen. “How many cloth ---------es?” Just as the words were coming out of my mouth, I noticed all the boxes in the kitchen. “What’s in all these boxes, I questioned.” “Food”, she says nonchalantly. “You do want to eat when we get there, she says in her sarcastic voice.” I found out after many years of marriage that’s actually her normal voice. How much food could we possibly eat in three days? There’s enough food here for a week. Do we really need five types of cereal I thought to myself as I looked through the boxes? Five does not go into three without a carry over. And a carryover means repacking and hauling it home. Not what I had in mind. I can see bringing two types of cereal. If you don’t like one type, there’s always the other. If you don’t like that one you don’t eat, simple. Now with Bonnie, if you don’t like one type of cereal you have another choice, if you don’t like that one, you get another choice, if you don’t like that one there’s still another and if you still don’t like that one, you can ....
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The next overindulgence she packed was potato chips. For me, two different types of chips would be plenty, but to Bonnie, it’s just foreplay. I never knew there was this many types of potato chips to chose from. She packed regular, crinkle cut, salt and vinegar, sour cream and barbecue. If were going to eat this many bags of chips, I think a cardiologist should come along for a possible angioplasty. My veins are clogging just thinking about it. So you would think five types of chips would fill the snack portion of her food pyramid. No not really, you still apparently need corn chips, pretzels, Doritos, corn curls and potato sticks.
Now for the candy, we have: licorice sticks, Milk Duds, candy corn, chocolate kisses, gummy bears and the most important, bulk candy. Bulk candy is like the ultimate, there’s like a 100 different barrels to choose from, each one with a different candy surprise. You just fill up the bag with whatever candy you want and just pay by the pound. A word of caution, only pick the candy that’s individually wrapped. Number one you’re only supposed to use the big scooper to get the candy out, not the pooper scooper nicknamed your hand. Like Kelly Ripka said, “I don’t know where your hands been.” How many times have you seen some snot nose kid reaching in the barrel with his hands swirling all the candy around, touching every single piece. Then they turn around only to find out it’s your own kid. And you definitely know where his hands have been. No matter how many times you tell them not to do it, they always reach in there.
If kids see candy, they just naturally reach for it. If kids have an itch, they reach for it to, and then they scratch it. That’s where the problem is. It doesn’t matter where that itch is, they are going to scratch it, and after they scratch it, they reach for the candy. And you know where that piece of candy is going to end up; in your candy dish and then your mouth; yummy!
The second reason you only pick wrapped candy is the gravity factor. You lift that protective cover; you put your head over the barrel to get a good look. You’re shaking your head, tilting it left and right trying to get a better view. What do you think is falling into that candy barrel? How about sweat, dandruff, nose excretions, epidermal flakes, hair, hair bugs and last but not least, spit and drool. That’s why you never go for the soft candy, like gummy bears, gum drops, worms. Not only are they not wrapped but their just tacky enough that everything sticks to them. I mean everything. Ever drop a gummy bear on the floor, pick it up and find ten hairs stuck to it, double yummy!
I just can’t figure out why the soft candy barrels are always empty first. Apparently shoppers think that’s sugar sprinkle on the soft candy and not epidermal skin. I willing to bet Dermatologists never buy bulk.
So far we have 5 types of cereals, 10 types of bag snacks, a few pounds of candy. Now it’s time to look in the cooler.
Opening this cooler isn’t the same as Geraldo opening Al Capone’s vault. I know there is plenty of stuff in here. Let’s see, we have hotdogs, hamburgers, chicken, pork chops, Italian sausage (hot and mild), baloney, salami, ham, turkey, capacola and for the main course New York
I’m really surprised there were no veggies in the cooler, after all Bonnie used to be a vegetarian before we got married. She was one of those hard core vegetarian. If my mother would make spaghetti sauce and throw in a meat bone for added flavor, she wouldn’t touch it. Unfortunately for her there’s this corporation called McDonalds. Dating me meant eating at McDonalds. Watching me eat Big Mac’s while she ate that healthy salad was too much for her to take. Eventually she turned to the dark side; a Quarter Pounder and fries to go.
Meat wasn’t the only thing in the cooler. We have ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, barbecue sauce, spaghetti sauce, onions, tomatoes, American cheese, Mozzarella cheese, pepperoni and of course a gallon of milk to wash it all down. Geraldo should have done the special, “Opening Bonnie’s Cooler.” She packed enough stuff in there for an hour long special without any commercials or fill-ins. I’m looking at the cooler thinking how much does this thing weigh? We still have to add at least five pounds of ice. I could barely lift the cooler without the ice.
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