Camp Paradise Intro

Carl Here!

Everyone remembers their first time.  Emotions run rampant; your heartbeat races with anticipation, beads of perspiration explode onto your skin. . . senses are amplified, colors become brighter, smells more intense, a boy becomes a man, a girl becomes a woman. . . . Ok, get your minds out of the gutter; I’m talking about camping here, your first camping adventure to be exact.

Whether your first time camping was memorable or forgettable, it stays with you for the rest of your life.  And the longer it stays with you, the more embellished it becomes.  My first time camping was over 30 years ago.  Can you imagine how embellished my story has become.  The thing is, you don’t have to imagine it, because I wrote a book about it.  And I’m going to share a good portion of the book with all my readers.

 I’m going to publish my book online, which will send it into God's great universe to manifest itself.  Hopefully, if everyone likes it, a book publisher will print it, a big star like Adam Sandler will make a movie about it,  and world peace will reign again.  I like to dream big.

Lao-Tzu once said, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step,” well, my journey began with a 1982 Ford Granada tan colored station wagon (not a good choice to pick up chicks)……..and it was only about 150 miles, but it’s my adventure and my gas, so strap on your seat belt, and let’s take a ride to. .o . . . o. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  . . . . . . . . .you guessed it. . . . . . . .

                                                               (Trumpets sounding)

Camp Paradise ! ! !

Did you hear the trumpets?  Oh, I’m sorry, that’s the movie version.

Camp Paradise

Camp Paradise is coming!

Camp Paradise is coming!

Camp Paradise is coming!   

Bear Trouble

Bigfeet or Bigfoot?

Carl here.

As campers, we run into all sorts of wild animals; we encounter raccoons, skunks, squirrels, ground hogs, deer and even bears.  But just once, wouldn’t it be nice to run into that mythical seven foot hairy beast named…….. Chewbacca (Star Wars Movie).  Ok, you thought I was going to say Bigfoot, didn’t you?  I would have said Bigfoot if I thought Bigfoot really existed.  But where is the evidence? 

Let us start off with the name “Bigfoot.” You would think they would have named him Bigfeet.  After all, most mammals that walk upright need at least two feet.  The problem with Bigfoot is….. he only leaves one footprint to find.  And it’s always the same foot.  Now unless he’s hopping on one foot….in which his name would be “One Foot Hopping Sasquatch,” he should be leaving at least two footprints behind. Where is the other foot print? 

Then again, if Bigfoot could dance, he might have two left feet, which would account for the same footprint being found all the time.  Now I know what you’re thinking, Bigfoot can’t dance.  But ….. they can train Russian bears to dance at the circus, can’t they!  I’m sure Bigfoot could bust a few moves he wanted to. He could call it “The Bigfoot Shuffle.”

Bigfoot is described being tall, hairy, very smelly, screams alot with a low forehead.  I myself have four of those traits….. I won’t mention which ones.  "Bonnie, did you find my deodorant yet?"  Ok, I won't mention which other two I have.  So I could easily be mistaken for Bigfoot, as well as any member of the NBA. Hmmmm…….Bigfoot playing basketball.  I would imagine any NBA player would love to have Bigfoot on their team.  He smells so bad, no one would play defense against him. 

There is one tell tale sign that proves Bigfoot doesn't exist.  Where is the big pile of poo Bigfoot should be leaving behind?  Remember that giant bowel movement the Triceratops deposited on the ground in Jurassic Park.  That's what animals do, they drop a big load.  The same goes for Bigfoot.  Unless he has the worst case of constipation in the world (maybe that's the reason he screams so loud), he should be pinching a big loaf somewhere, and sooner or later, someone is going to step in it.  Hopefully it won't be me, I just got new sneakers. 

The point is, all sightings of Bigfoot are just a case of mistaken identity, or a few too many beers. I’m willing to bet on the latter. 

Camping fun with Carl signing off.

The Big Fire

Bulk Up!

Carl here!

It’s time to bulk up for camping. I’m not talking about lifting weights; I’m talking about going to the grocery store and stocking up on bulk candy.  You will need plenty of candy in order to keep the kids happy during a weeklong camping trip.  Your dentist will be happy too!

Bulk candy is the ultimate, there’s like a 100 different barrels to choose from, each one with a different candy surprise. You just fill up the bag with whatever candy you want and just pay by the pound…..  A word of caution, only pick the candy that’s individually wrapped.

See that big scooper next to the candy barrels? It’s there for a reason, a hygienic reason. Like Kelly Ripka said, “I don’t know where your hands been.”  How many times have you seen some snot nose kid reaching in the barrel with his hands swirling all the candy around, touching every single piece.  Then they turn around, and you find out it’s your own snotty nose kid doing it.  And you definitely know where his hands have been!  No matter how many times you tell them not to do it, they always reach in there.

You can’t really blame the kids. If kids see candy, they just naturally reach for it.  If kids have an itch, they are going to scratch it.  That’s where the problem is.  It doesn’t matter where that itch is; they are going to reach down there (underwear) and scratch it….. and after they scratch it, they reach for the candy barrel.  And you know where that piece of candy is going to end up; in your candy dish and then in your mouth; yummy! 

The second reason you only pick wrapped candy is the gravity factor.  You lift that protective cover; you put your head over the barrel to get a good look.  You’re shaking your head, tilting it left and right, trying to get a better view.  What do you think is falling into that candy barrel?  How about sweat, dandruff, nose excretions, epidermal flakes, hair, hair bugs and last but not least, spit and drool.  That’s why you never go for the soft candy, like gummy bears, gum drops, worms.  Not only are they not wrapped but their just tacky enough that everything sticks to them.  I mean everything.  Ever drop a gummy bear on the floor, pick it up and find ten hairs stuck to it, double yummy! 

I just can’t figure out why the soft candy barrels are always empty first.  Shoppers must think that’s sugar sprinkle on the soft candy, and not epidermal skin flakes. I willing to bet Dermatologists never buy bulk….. Hannibal Lector…..defiantly!

Camping with Carl, signing off!

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